I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
