you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
