Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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