how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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