I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
