The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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