Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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