I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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