its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
