Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
