is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
