I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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