New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
