you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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