Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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