Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
