I wish I only lived at night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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