Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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