Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
