Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't think brook has ever known best
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
