Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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