A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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