I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
