using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
