i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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