are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
