walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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