i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
