I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
