Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
