yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
