You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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