Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
