I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
