Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just want to make out with him forever
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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