3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Drunk is a universal language darling
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
