yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
