I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im six kinds of drunk right now
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
