My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
