i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
