all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The uberlube is also flammable
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
