i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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