Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I came so hard my ears popped.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
