I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
