Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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