respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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