when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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