I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
