My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
