I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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